Useful Tips


  1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Dublin Doctor

A Dublin Doctor wanted to go fishing, so he approached his apprentice Doctor. “Murphy, I am goin’ fishing tomorrow and don’t want to be closin’ the clinic. I want you to take care of all m’ patients! “

“Not a problem, Yes, Doctor!  I’ll do m’ best, Sir!! ” answered Murphy. 

The Doctor returned the following day. “So, Murphy, how was your day?”
Murphy told him that he had taken care of three patients. “The first one had a headache; he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
“Bravo, Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the Doctor. 

“The second one had indigestion, so I gave him Gaviscon,” says  Murphy.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this!! And what about the third one?” asks the Doctor. 

“Doctor, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door flew open … and a young gorgeous woman burst in, she did! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tore off her clothes, taking off everything!! – including her bra and panties!! – and she lay on the table and spread her legs!! -and then shouted: “Oh Please, Doctor – HELP ME!! – for the love of St Patrick!! – For five years now, I haven’t seen any man!! ” 

Aghast, the Doctors asked, “Oh NO, Murphy!! ….. -Tunderin’ Joseph, Mary and Lord Jesus, what did you do?”
“The only thing I could do, Doctor!!                

   I put drops in her eyes!! 

Clever Granny

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

After much humming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,

Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets?

What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president,

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady than said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00A.M. as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office
.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet” “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

Well, okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I’d have the Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

What a lot of cobblers!