The Duck Is Plastered


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

“Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk” !!
Exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,”
Says the duck.

“Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that,”

Says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint.

“It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” Explains the duck.

“I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

“You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

“Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

“Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,”

Says the duck.

“Where is it?”

“At the circus,”

Says the barman.

“The circus?”

Repeats the duck.

“That’s right,”

Replies the barman.

“The circus?”

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says

“What the hell would they want with a plasterer” ???
👁️👁️

Christmas Carol Health Warnings



 WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED

 

              While shepherds watched their flocks by night

              All seated on the ground,

              The Angel of the Lord came down,

              And Glory shone around. 

 

              The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts.


              The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting. 

 

LITTLE DONKEY

 

              Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road, 

              Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load. 

 

              The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a Donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period. 

             Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear facemasks. 

               The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights. 

 

WE THREE KINGS

 

              We three Kings of Orient are, 

              Bearing gifts we traverse afar, 

              Field and fountain, 

              Moor and Mountain, 

              Following yonder star. 

 

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as ‘Cash4Gold’ etc., gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher.

               It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Route Finder or sat nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. 

              As in the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves. 

 

THE ROCKING CAROL

 

              Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir, 

              We will lend a coat of fur, 

              We will rock you, rock you, rock you, 

              We will rock you, rock you, rock you, 

 

              Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives.

              Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences. 

 

JINGLE BELLS

 

              Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh, 

              Over fields we go – laughing all the way. 

 

              A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use of only one horse is appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’.  To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others. 

 

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

 

              Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose, 

              And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows, 

              All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, 

              They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. 

 

              You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr. R. Reindeer. 

Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence.
A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner. 

 

 

AWAY IN A MANGER

 

              Away in a manger – no crib for a bed…

 

              Refer to Social Services immediately! 

It’s Just Not Cricket!

An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said “Can I help you?”
“Yes” she said, “I’d like to report a case of sexual assault”.
“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
“In the park just down the road” she replied.
“Can you describe what happened?”
“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me”.
“Could you give me a description of him?”
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg”.
“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant.
“Yes”, said the lady, “He was an Australian Cricketer”.
“That’s very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”
“No”, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long”.

Dog’s Boner

Mrs Smith’s dog came in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and the male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me.” he replied.

Useful Tips


  1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Dublin Doctor

A Dublin Doctor wanted to go fishing, so he approached his apprentice Doctor. “Murphy, I am goin’ fishing tomorrow and don’t want to be closin’ the clinic. I want you to take care of all m’ patients! “

“Not a problem, Yes, Doctor!  I’ll do m’ best, Sir!! ” answered Murphy. 

The Doctor returned the following day. “So, Murphy, how was your day?”
Murphy told him that he had taken care of three patients. “The first one had a headache; he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
“Bravo, Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the Doctor. 

“The second one had indigestion, so I gave him Gaviscon,” says  Murphy.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this!! And what about the third one?” asks the Doctor. 

“Doctor, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door flew open … and a young gorgeous woman burst in, she did! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tore off her clothes, taking off everything!! – including her bra and panties!! – and she lay on the table and spread her legs!! -and then shouted: “Oh Please, Doctor – HELP ME!! – for the love of St Patrick!! – For five years now, I haven’t seen any man!! ” 

Aghast, the Doctors asked, “Oh NO, Murphy!! ….. -Tunderin’ Joseph, Mary and Lord Jesus, what did you do?”
“The only thing I could do, Doctor!!                

   I put drops in her eyes!! 

Clever Granny

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

After much humming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,

Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets?

What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president,

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady than said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00A.M. as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office
.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet” “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

Well, okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I’d have the Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

What a lot of cobblers!